The Journal Register (Medina, NY)


September 22, 2011

VALLEY: I'm amused by the little things

MEDINA — Am I the only one amused by the fact that few (if any) people have ever seen a woman in a dress like the ones in the fashion section of a newspaper? I’m talking about the illustrated apparel — designed by people with one name — that’s supposed to be what people will be wearing in the next fashion cycle.

Maybe there are some ladies sporting these dresses — dresses that sometimes look like Armenian army tents, and designer hats that have the appearance of road kill peacocks — but I’ve never seen them. It’s possible I’m not paying enough attention when I’m in the Dollar Store or Home Depot.

Am I the only one amused by the fact that some video games, which are aimed at younger males who are incapable of accepting an ounce of responsibility in their lives, are rated “M” for mature? Mature! How mature can a guy be if he sits on the couch every day of the week for 10 straight hours with a bag of Cheetos, a 32-ounce bottle of Mountain Dew and whose only goal in life is to zap the evil Zitz Creepers of Fat Asteroid 6 in an all-out attempt to keep them from entering Uranus?

And am I the only one amused by the story of a guy suing a White Castle hamburger joint because he was embarrassed by the fact that he couldn’t fit into one their booths? The guy is barely 6 feet tall and a pickle shy of 300 pounds. Not to offend anyone’s sensibilities, but he should be embarrassed. (Unless, of course, it’s a medical condition beyond his control).

But, still, why is White Castle being accused as the root-source of that embarrassment?

Should the restaurant’s booths be re-built so that they can accommodate someone whose size is the exception? It’s not the alleged small furniture that’s to blame, it’s the fact that he’s built like a Volkswagen. Illusionary manipulation will not end the humiliation. Quite simply, if they used Stonehenge as the tables and chairs, his bathtub-like visage is not going to dissipate into the background.

It’s my bet that the owners of Just Salads Cafe has never had to deal with this problem. I think that Mr. It’s-Not-My-Fault-I’m-A-Dirigible should use this as a wake up call and start laying off the fries and triple shakes. At least, until he can fit back into the booth.

In fact, White Castle should post signs for the good of the general public stating: “If the booth is too tight, try something light.”

See ... I’m not only amused, I’m concerned.

Finally, am I the only one amused by the fact that advice-columnists — who answer questions from readers — only have to write half a column? The readers do 50 percent of the work, yet the columnist gets all the pay.

Send any questions you have about this week’s article — or about any topic that you’d like to discuss — to the address below. Please keep the questions to an 850 word minimum.

And that’s the way it looks from the Valley.

Text Only