The Journal Register (Medina, NY)

July 7, 2011

VALLEY: Debbie does callous ... investigations


The Journal-Register

MEDINA —  

Somewhere in New Hampshire — Lebanon, to be exact — there’s an apartment complex that is using modern-day science to solve a messy situation. It’s DNA to the rescue. (Let it be known that there are other places doing the same thing.)

What’s the problem, you ask? Robberies? Vandalism? Assaults? No, sir! The problem at the 252-unit Timberwood Commons is dog poop. That’s right, you heard me: doo-doo. Good ’ol ethnic shoe polish.

Apparently, some of the residents have not been coming clean when it comes to cleaning up after their pets. Enter DNA testing. Everyone who lives at the complex was made to submit doggie “samples” to the manager in order to establish a profile of each canine.

Now, if a dog’s feces is left on the lawn, it can be identified and its owner held accountable. Isn’t that wonderful? Since we’ve cleared the books on tracking down Osama bin Laden, we can now use our state-of-the-art technology for the number two priority and close in on those rogues who callously let their Buffys and Muffins take dumps without lifting a finger to clean it up.

Property manager Debbie Logan of a nearby complex has also been using this form of detective work. She claims: “It’s one of the coolest things I’ve ever done.”

Really? I seriously think that if Debbie considers analyzing dog crap to determine its source as the “coolest thing” she’s ever done, then, just perhaps, Debbie hasn’t really researched the job market as thoroughly as she probably should or could have. Furthermore, I have my doubts about how effective a selling point her comments might be in recruiting others to a career in the same field. But that’s just my opinion.

My question is: If the DNA does not match any of the DNA files on record, do they do a hard-target search of every farm house, hen house, outhouse and doghouse in the area in an effort to nail this squat and run culprit? Is there an APB issued for the capture of this purveyor of lawn biscuits with checkpoints at every fire hydrants?

And who gets to clean it up?

May I make a suggestion? How about Debbie? After all, she’s already picking it up to do the analysis — let her pick it all up. She obviously enjoys it — as indicated by her thinking it’s “cool.” I say the problem is solved. Make Debbie’s day — let her take all she wants. It’s a win-win situation.

That’s why I’m here. I solve these types of problems. Join me next week as I explain another conundrum: The not-so-puzzling riddle of why there are so many flies always hovering over Debbie. And why no one wants to shake hands with her.

And that’s the way it looks from the Valley.